Becca: My answer is somewhat dependent on your age/stage in life.

If you are in grade/high school, living with your parents, I say:

Maybe start working on getting your parents accustomed to the idea of you being an LGBT ally (see previous post).  Obviously it’s your choice whether or not to come out, but you’ll probably want to eventually.  As for the no-boyfriend-thing, tell your parents that you’re young and want to focus on yourself.  You’re not looking to date just for the sake of dating, and you’re willing to wait for the right person.  (not 100% forthcoming, but it should get them off your back).

If you are a young adult (College, 20s, whatever) and partially independent, I say:

Tell your parents that you’re young.  Right now you want to focus on yourself, your career, making strong friendships and figuring out what you want to do with your life.  Tell them despite their encouragement, you are not just going to start dating any old person for the sake of having a boyfriend.  When you meet the right person, it’ll happen. 

If you are older and fully dependent:

First, to really get them off your back, you could tell them flat out.  They may be shocked, angry, hurt, repelled, but hopefully knowing that you- their beloved daughter/sister/cousin-a real person, are a lesbian, they might come around.  I know some people’s upbringing and religious beliefs make it difficult for them to get past their homophobia, but the harsh truth, in my opinion, is that if these people can’t view LGBT folk as equal human beings, they might be better off with less involvement in your life, family or not.

If you’d rather maintain your discretion, tell them that your romantic relationships are your affair, and you’ll tell them about/introduce them to your romantic partners when/if it should reach that stage and you’re comfortable doing so.  They’ll simply have to accept that you’re an adult and they don’t get to be privy to your every date and relationship.

Good luck, as always.

Becca: I’m not sure what you’re coming out as, but presumably a sexual orientation other than hetero.  If you doubt she’ll open the revelation with open arms right now, I recommend you gradually introduce her to the idea.  Bring  up something pretty easy, like “I don’t think gay kids should be bullied in school, do you mom?”  Get her to agree to things like that.  Casually mention small things, like laws passed that outlaw discrimination based on sexual orientation, or how crazy Michelle Bachmann calls gay people satanic (unless your mother is equally homophobic, then perhaps best not to mention Bachmann at all).  Then eventually come out to your mother as an ally.  Tell her you believe LGBT should be treated equally and given all the same rights and protections as their straight/cissex/cisgender counterparts.

Hopefully your mother will slowly learn to respect your different point of view, to the point where she will be okay with your confession that you are, in fact, gay. 

As for the nitty gritty details- what words to use, when to bring it up, etc.- I’m not sure I can be of much help.  I advise you either wait for what feels like a good opportunity or allow some bigger event to act as a catalyst (for example if you begin dating a person of the same sex as you).  Be brave and, as always, good luck.

Becca: The transition from friends to something more than friends can be a bit tricky.  I recommend going slowly and keeping your expectations realistic.  Start paying her (sincere) compliments, showing that you notice her positive attributes.  Don’t overwhelm her with daily generic compliments (“love your shirt!” every day), but pick and choose when it seems like the right time.  (“Your hair is so pretty” and play with her hair while you say it).  When she talks, really listen, and show that you care about her thoughts and her problems. 

As for her sexual orientation, I wouldn’t push that issue right away.  Be content to be friends, and then maybe super-close-more-than-friend friends.  She may have a bit of a mental block (“but wait, I can’t like her, because I’m straight…aren’t I?”), so I think you should just worry about whether or not she’s attracted to you, not all females or males or whatever.

Good luck!

Becca: It’s great that you’re going to start attending a discussion/support group.  Since you’re so confident, I encourage you to come out to your other good friends.  If you’ve tested the waters and know that they’re allies/okay with non-heterosexual people, then I think you should just wait for an opportunity that seems natural.  You can start hinting and wait for a window, or you can talk to them one-on-one and say there’s something you’d like to tell them.  There’s no wrong way.

As for your best friend, same deal.  She may not approve of who you’re in love with, but it sounds like she’s a good friend who won’t let something like sexual orientation get in the way.  I know it can be frightening, because you don’t want your friendship to change, but honestly (even though it’s cheesy), either she will accept you and you two will be fine, or she’ll judge you and she didn’t deserve to be your best friend to begin with.  She made need a little bit of time to get used to it.  I know when my friend came out to me as bisexual, I acted weird for a little while because I was so eager to show her I supported her and was okay with it.

Lastly, your family.  I think the support of your mother would mean a lot, so I encourage you to talk to her about it.  It’s sweet of you to consider the position that would put her in, but honestly, she is your parent and it is her job to be there for you, no matter the consequence.  You deserve her love and support, so you should get it.  Good luck!

Hopefully this is the only time this will have to happen for a while. We have closed our ask box temporarily until we can answer the 68 questions in there. I know that doesn’t seem like many, but there are only a couple of us, and it seems we’re all fairly busy (as much as we’d love to be helping!). Keep patient while we’re working away at our inbox. We love all of you, and hope to have our ask open again for your asking pleasure!

Sincerely and regretfully, the LGBTQ Advice Team.

PS, no we are not shutting down! Even though there are only a couple of us, we still love this blog!

Becca: Don’t worry, I think most of us have struggled to overcome a huge crush before.  I know it can be hard and disappointing to be with them, but not with them, every day.  However, I really think that in this situation the best thing you can do for yourself is to take a step back and give yourself some room to move on.  I’m not saying end your friendship, but perhaps see her more in group events rather than one-on-one.  Don’t share intimate secrets.  Don’t go on friend-dates charged with sexual tension (romantic comedies, underwear shopping, etc).  I know it seems harsh, and obviously it’s your choice to do what you wish, but I think long term this will lessen the daily heartache and let you fill your time with other friendships and activities.  And I bet that one day (maybe in weeks, maybe in months) that you can hang out with her and enjoy everything she has to offer as a person, and be truly okay with your relationship being that of friendship, with no romantic undercurrents.

Now, to address coming out.  In general, I don’t approve to lying to your friends.  However, for LGBTQ people, I can make exceptions if they are concerned with their safety or the ostricization of their peers.  If you feel the need to keep your sexual orientation a secret for these purposes, to the point of outright denying it, then that is understandable.  If, however, you are merely tempted to lie to dissuade your crush’s (correct) suspicions of your attraction, then I would advise against it.  Dishonesty is a bad habit and an unattractive quality.  If it should come up, make it clear that you understand your relationship- just friends- and are happy with that.  That should be all the assurance she needs

Becca: Firstly, I encourage you to continue dressing and identifying yourself however you feel comfortable.  There is no right or wrong in this department.  I’m sure your friend meant well, and, unfortunately, he is correct in his assertion that the majority of the people you interact with on a daily business will see your body and address you as a female.  That, however, is not your problem.  Your choice is to either correct them and be as vague or detailed as you want in explaining your identity, or to decide it’s not worth it to correct this particular store clerk or teaching assistant or friend’s father.

I think the biggest thing you can do is be strong and confident in your own identity and pick your battles.  As for people who are confused about genderqueer-ness and assume you to be transgender, all you can do is explain, if they’re worth it to you.  Emphasize how you simply want to be treated like a person.  Ideally, we should all treat each other as people first, and men/women/anything second.  Remind them of that, and if they’re unable to look past your gender (or lack thereof, maybe), they might not be worth your time.

Bridget: I’ve probably said this before a million times, but don’t stress out about labeling yourself! If you like a girl, go with it. If you like a guy, don’t stress out because you don’t think you’re a lesbian anymore. If you don’t know what to tell people when they ask you, maybe show them the Kinsey scale and tell them your number. . because it would be just a tad pretentious to say something like, “I just can’t do labels.” People love putting people in boxes. Find a word that you feel comfortable with. Or, if you can’t, do what I did and go with “not straight” for a while. 

Bridget: I’m not sure about your experiences with your LGBT group, but mine have always been extremely open and supportive. They want to learn about things like the gender spectrum and asexuality. You should talk about it with the group’s leader first, and maybe he or she or xie can do some sort of day focusing on educating the members on being genderqueer. Then they can do another one about being asexual. Find some movies about these issues if you can. There are some great documentaries (Southern Comfort, TransGeneration, Middle Sexes: Redifining He and She, etc). Movie nights are always fun and often open people’s eyes even more. If you can get speakers to come, that might be a great addition. That safe space in your school should be a safe space for anyone in the LGBTQ community, not just the LGB. If you have to be the one to make it so, then be proud of yourself for paving the path for current and future genderqueer and/or asexual students. 

Bridget: It looks like you’re dealing with a few things. Being demisexual, it takes time to develop an attraction to somebody. Is your friend straight? Is she a lesbian? Bisexual? Pansexual? If you’re close, I don’t think it would hurt to talk about this. Does she know you are interested in girls? If you both identify as lgbtq and continue getting closer, maybe something will come of it. If you think it’s a good idea to tell her, then tell her exactly when you started having these feelings for her. Explain to her that you weren’t attracted to her in that way until you got to know her and she won’t think that you have been lying to her. A lot of people become attracted to their friends, regardless of sexual orientation. A relationship can come out of it. And if one person isn’t interested, they can work through the brief awkwardness and stay friends.