Becca: When it comes to parents, I think being gradual is key. I completely understand you not wanting to come out to them right now, but you may want to eventually, and it will probably go better with gradual introduction.  The next time your parents use gay as an insult or describe someone who doesn’t conform to traditional gender roles as “queer”, call them out— as politely as possible.  Say something like “just because that boy likes pink, doesn’t make him queer, or anything else” or “gay refers to homosexual people, not stupid things.”  Your parents may not take this well, but in time they may come to see it as something you care about it, and try to be less offensive out of regard for you, if nothing else.  Then come out to them as an ally.  Tell them you don’t condone violence against LGBTQ people.  They can’t really fault you there, even if they don’t support equal rights and inclusivity for LGBTQ people.  Hopefully they’ll come around eventually.

As far as your personal identity, no pressure!  No one can say what label, if any, fits best for you.  Don’t feel you have to have a label just because many people do.  It’s fine for you just to like whoever you like.  However, if this is something you want to “figure out,” no one can really know but you.  And if you identify as bisexual now, and later decide you’re a lesbian (or visa versa), that’s okay.  Try to remain open and not rush into labeling your feelings.

Lastly, school.  School can be tricky.  Although there are no openly LGBTQ people at your school, I’d be willing to bet there are some closeted people.  Since you worry that coming out might mean people treating you differently, right now I’d focus on building strong, genuine friendships with people.  That way, when and if you’d like to confide in someone, you have people available.  Hopefully these friends will care about you for who you are, and not your sexuality.  Best of luck, and remember, high school doesn’t last forever.  As we say, it gets better.

Stacy: It’s totally normal to think that other people are good-looking, even if you’re not attracted to them romantically or sexually. I identify as gay and I can still recognize a hot guy when I see one. It’s definitely not weird and I don’t think it means anything as far as your orientation is concerned. I think you know your own sexuality better than anyone else. If you feel like you’re a lesbian, then you are.

Becca: Well, first off, congratulations on being so open with yourself.  That can be difficult.  As far as your sexuality, it sounds like bisexual suits you best, because you say you’re attracted to “boys and girls.”  If you consider yourself attracted to simply other people, then pansexual is probably more appropriate (note the lack of emphasis on sex and gender).  However, what you identify as is completely up to you, and many people feel more comfortable not identifying at all.

As for your lack of interest in/ fear of sex, don’t sweat it.  If you’re a teenager (which seems likely), don’t feel like you’re weird or abnormal for not wanting sex just because you hear about it all the time.  There’s a good chance that you’ll be more interested in having sex once you meet the right person, rather than simply deciding one day “man, I sure could go for some sex.”  I’m a believer that sex should exist with love, and if you’ve never been in love then perhaps it’s good you’re not just gunnin’ for action indiscriminately. Also, I think all kinds of genitalia are pretty ugly as well.  However, just because they’re not pretty doesn’t mean they can’t be fun.

However you might also consider the fact that you are asexual.  The Asexual Visibility and Education Network (aka AVEN) defines an asexual as “someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently.”  You can, of course, choose to define yourself however you like.  You can visit AVEN’s website here.   Personally I find the former “late bloomer” theory more likely, but you’re the only one who can figure yourself out.

As for your parents, I think a gradual coming out process might be best.  Bring up LGBTQ issues: influential LGBTQ people you’ve heard about, the fact that national ally week is coming up (October 18-22), how awful you think the recent gay suicides are, etc.  Then let them know that you support the LGBTQ community, that you see it as the civil rights movement of our generation, equality for everyone, however you feel.  Most parents, by that point, will have developed suspicions.  (I’m straight, but god knows, my parents are certainly suspicious)  Be ready for them to confront you, and be prepared to tell them.  Practice what you want to say, be ready to show them religious sources that are LGBTQ positive (or support love, equality, etc), be ready to present them with information (You’re pansexual?  What? You like frying pans?) to clarify unfamiliar concepts.  Let them know that you’re still their daughter, and that you hope they’ll love you no matter what.  And as far as the situation with your best friend, all you can do is be honest.  Tell them you’re not dating anyone right now, there is no secret relationship between you and your bff, and that you are not attracted to your best friend.  Hopefully with honesty and repetition they will come to accept and support who you are. 

Best of luck from all of us.  <3 <3 <3

Becca: Good for you, I’m glad your well-centered enough to be derailed by your deviance from society’s “norm.”  I check out girls too.  We’re attractive, what can I say?  Furthermore, making out is an enjoyable activity.  I feel like I’m rambling, so I guess I’ll just stop and say: good for you, I’m glad you’ve found that aspect of yourself.

Bridget: If you are in love with your boyfriend, then there is no point in leaving him. When people are in love, they may be attracted to other people. If you want to be in a committed relationship with this boy, then don’t act on it. It would be the same if you were heterosexual and attracted to another boy. On the other hand, it’s possible that you are emotionally attracted to your boyfriend, but not physically. If so, you could just want to be close friends with him so you still have the emotional attachment, but not the physical aspect of the relationship. If there is a specific girl that you think you could love, both physically and emotionally, then that’s a sign that maybe things with your boyfriend are more on the friendly side. But if you are truly happy with him in all ways, don’t end it because you are attracted to other people, regardless of gender.

Tiana: This, to me, just sounds like a typical case of chance opening you up to something you haven’t experienced before. Obviously your relationship with your friend affected you in a way that is important. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a lesbian, or even interested in girls. But I definitely think it’s something you should look into and definitely explore to better understand yourself.

You could be only experiencing these feelings now because after being in a relationship with another girl, you have been opened op to a new perspective, and some part of you is still hanging on to that. There’s nothing wrong with it, and it’s perfectly normal to be a little unsure about your sexual orientation (especially after a situation like yours). Remember, however, that looking at girls and wanting a relationship with a girl are two totally different things.

When it comes down to it, however, I think that you should talk to the boy you are with and tell him what’s going on. It’s unfair to both of you to keep this relationship going if only one of you is in on it. He can be a great guy, and I’m sure he’s a great friend and person, but if you aren’t feeling it romantically, you’re leading both him and yourself on (and I would say that in any situation).

Take some time for yourself and maybe get to know other girls who are interested in girls. Being around different kinds of people can sometimes help you better understand yourself and your own struggles. Also, if you can, I think trying to remain friends with this boy might help, also. You could just be hurting and/or confused at this point, and maybe the timing of him being in your life romantically isn’t right at this moment (but that could change, too!). Just follow your instinct and keep an open-mind, for now.

Don’t hesitate to come back to us, and good luck!

Tiana: Unfortunately, sexual orientation doesn’t come to some people in the blink of an eye (or at all, for that matter). I knew I was interested in girls wayyy before I even thought about “boyfriends” or “girlfriends”. Once I was old enough to understand it, I came out. It doesn’t work like that for everyone, though (obviously).

I feel like, for someone who is confused like this, the only way to learn more about you is to explore. Even things like finding other people in the queer community and getting to know them helps.

You can also be straight but solely have a physical attraction to girls. Try asking yourself if you could see yourself spending the rest of your life married to another women? Does it interest you to try a relationship out with a woman at all? Would it bother you if there was no sexual activity, in that case? Things like that can help you decipher more of what you want.

In my personal opinion, I’m going to tell you not to stress about it! Sexuality is something that is so fluid, and the “borders” for it are even less clear, sometimes. Just take your time and get to know yourself as a person and not necessarily as a sexual orientation! Becoming more confident and self-aware will help you better understand yourself in a lot of ways, and not only sexually.

Don’t hesitate to get a hold of us!

Emily: We here at LGBTQ Advice ultimately cannot tell you if you’re gay or not. That’s usually something that takes a lot of reflection on, and only you can do that. You say you’re not emotionally connected to guys, but perhaps you are physically or romantically. Obviously, some interest in males has caused you to label yourself as a bisexual. Ask yourself if your interest in guys is just society (or your friends) pressure on you to be with a male, or if it’s genuine. And remember that there are many different labels for people and many people who choose not to label. What’s important is that you feel comfortable with what you call yourself.

Mallory:  Like Emily said, this isn’t something we can tell you.  However if you are only emotionally and physically attracted to girls, then you are probably gay.  Then again, it sounds from your post like you might be pretty young, so just remember that sexuality can change over the course of a lifetime.  Just because you are not attracted to boys right now doesn’t mean that you never will be (however you could very well just not be into boys and that’s fine too!).  Don’t worry about it too much, just be who you are and enjoy the ride to self-discovery :)

Mallory: First of all, don’t worry so much about whether she is by or whether you are bi.  You two both had feelings for each other, and that was real.  For some straight people, there’s that one person of the same gender that they’d be with, and for some gay people there’s one person of the opposite gender that they’d be with.  Think about it in terms of your feelings for each other, and not in terms of your feelings for women as a whole because that’s another story.

It sounds like this relationship is over.  She seems to be pushing you away and honestly being really rude and nasty.  You have the right to try to talk to her and ask her why she decided to end contact with you, but my suggestion would be to not push it.  There’s a good chance she won’t respond well, and quite frankly I don’t think you need someone who treats you so poorly in your life.  Relationships end, which is very difficult but it’s also a part of life, and you will move on and find someone you care about just as much who feels the same and will treat you with kindness and, most importantly, respect.  Whether you date boys or girls or both in the future is not important right now, just spend a lot of time with friends, enjoy yourself, meet people, and try to move on.